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While I have tried to avoid jokes that were too vulgar, some people may still find these jokes offensive. If you choose to read beyond this opening paragraph then it is your own fault if you are offended. For everyone else, have fun...

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? So the sheep won't hear the zipper.

Two sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
SH1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
SH2: What about the sheep?!?
SH1: Screw the sheep!!!!
SH2: (pause) Do you think we have time?

So this cowboy goes out to seek his fortune on the frontier of the old West. He finally settles on a ranching town near the very edge of civilization. So near, in fact, that there aren't any women to be found for love nor money. Well, he's young and full of hormones, and after a month, he starts getting randy, so he goes to the saloon to ask around. After a couple of sort of nervous, whispered conversations, it comes out that you use the sheep. Well, our hero isn't real happy about this, but he's really desperate. He buys a bottle to nerve himself up. He goes and finds the nearest flock, and decides that if he's going to do this at all, he's going to do it right. He spends most of the afternoon picking out the prettiest sheep in the flock. He shampoos her wool and ties ribbons around her neck. Puts a little bell on her collar. He's also getting pretty drunk. By evening, he's done cleaning up the sheep, and not thinking real clearly. He's so proud of the way the sheep looks, he decides to take her in to town and show her off at the saloon. He walks in with the sheep, and the room goes quiet. Everybody's staring at the guy. And not just staring, but kinda recoiling in shock and horror. He's ashamed, but he's drunk enough; he slurs out, "Whassamada, I thought ever'body went out to the sheep?" Finally, one old timer pipes up. "Yeah, boy, but you got the sheriff's girl."

An Aussie journalist was in New Zealand doing stories where he saw a Kiwi farmer doing unnatural things with a sheep. He approached the Kiwi and firstly asked, "What sort of sheep is that?" He scribbled down the farmer's reply - "a Merino". The next question was, "Do you shear them?" The farmer replied hastily, "No! Go and find yer own!" (You'll need to know how a Kiwi's accent sounds to appreciate this joke!)

Q: Why do Welsh sheep farmers wear green Wellies? (rubber boots to Americans)
A: So they can stick a sheep's back legs into them. Prevents them from running away while they're getting screwed.

Q: Why do Welsh sheep farmers like to screw sheep on the edge of cliffs?
A: Because they push back so nicely.

A young man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village. He asks the old man what his name is; the old man gets very irate at this point and says: "See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell! See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell! See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell! But, a long long time ago, I screwed *one* sheep..."

Q: How do you get virgin wool?
A: From ugly sheep.

A man finally makes his fortune and is having his dream house built. As he talks to the architect on how he wants the house built he says, "See that tree there, don't cut it down because under that tree I made love for the first time."

The architect says he understands the sentimental value of the tree and he will design the house so that the tree isn't harmed.

Then the man says,"And you see that tree over there, I don't want it cut either, because her mother stood there and watched as we made love."

The architect could hardly believe his ears,"That's incredible, what did her mother say?"

To which the man replies,"Baaaaaa.""

Q: What did the Cloned Sheep say to the other sheep?
A: I am ewe.

A man and his dog are shipwrecked onto a deserted island. After a few days he decides to reconnoiter the island. He discovers that the only other inhabitants are sheep. He recalls how his farm buddies would brag how they would screw sheep for kicks and he says to himself: "I'll never be that desperate."

Sooooo, a few days later he can't get those sheep out of his mind, and soon he's sneaking up on the flock. Just as he is about to pounce on a really cute one, the dog grabs his leg and won't let go. He snaps to, and thanks the dog for keeping him from making a fool of himself. This same scene happens every night for a month and the guy is really getting pissed at the dog.

Suddenly one day, the man spies a life-raft bobbing in the surf. In the raft is a beautiful young girl, half dead but alive. He takes her back to his hut revives her and nurses her to health. After a few days the girl is feeling fine, and that evening a rush of gratitude sweeps over her...

She confronts the man: "I owe you my life. I'm yours forever. I'll do anything you want"

"Anything?"

"Anything!!"

"OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!!!"

Q: How can you practice safe sex?
A: Paint the back legs of the sheep that kick.

A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to show him the ropes. The shepherds agreed.

The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually,"So how do you guys get by with no women around here?" Said one of the men,"Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?" The youngster shuddered: "Yuck! How horrible! How can you...?" The three men only smiled and said nothing.

Another week passed and one morning the young man realized that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable. He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all...". He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.

"What? What?!!", shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what you did yourselves, didn't you??!"

"Yeah, sure! But you chose the ugliest one!"

Mary had a little sheep
With the sheep she went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram...
Mary Had A Little Lamb.

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?"

Driving along late one evening after playing a late-nighter in a lonely workingmen's club in Yorkshire, a ventriloquist's car broke down. Having walked along the road for a while, he came upon a small farmhouse on the high moors. Having explained his situation to the farmer who answered the traveler's knock, the farmer invited him in to spend the night. The farmer had no phone.

Inside the bleak farmhouse, the traveler was surprised to see no division between that part of it housing the human - the single old farmer - and the part housing the animals.

Thinking there was some fun to be had, the traveler asked the farmer if he would mind if he talked to his horse, the farmer replied "yon horse don't talk".

The traveler waved at the farmer's horse asking "How's the old guy treating you then?".

Throwing his voice, the ventriloquist answers "Well, OK. He rides me pretty hard sometimes but nothing that a little more hay wouldn't cure"

The farmer stares in sheer amazement.

The traveler then looks at the collie slumbering on the mat in front of a sorry-looking fire and asks the farmer "What sort of a day has your dog had then?"

"Yon dog doesn't talk" replied the farmer.

The traveler again throws his voice as if the dog were to say "Can't complain really, a little more meat when he makes me gather sheep all day wouldn't go amiss though...."

The farmer's jaw drops lower...

The traveler now hears the bleating of an ewe somewhere in the dark corners of the barn beyond... he asks the farmer if he can go and have a chat with her, whereupon the farmer shoots to his feet and shouts.

"No, bloody way... that ewe tells lies"

Q: What's another name for a shepherd?
A: A bigamist

Q: Why don't Scots count sheep to fall asleep?
A: Because they want to sleep, not have a wet dream.

Q: What do you call an Irishman with a sheep under his arm?
A: A pimp.

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